Disclaimer: The following article is a work of satire. All events and conversations are purely fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only.
WASHINGTON — In a move that surprised even its most laudatory supporters, the U.S. House of Representatives unanimously voted Friday to dissolve itself. The decision marks a turn away from the 117-year congressional tradition of the bicameral legislature, with its population-based and equally-apportioned representation across the two chambers. In its place will be established a 500-person chamber whose members are selected by randomly sampling ten people from each state to serve one-year terms. This new lower body of Congress is yet to be named, and the computers that run the system and generate each state’s ten representatives are secured in an undisclosed location and operated by Facebook.
“Facebook has demonstrated that its understanding of American democracy far surpasses anything to which the House of Representatives could have ever aspired,” said former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi. “They have proven that they know how to navigate political polarization, so who better to teach us how to handle the polar ice caps melting? And once we’ve solved climate change, we have the funds to create a new House of Animals, a petting zoo for the American people to help quell the country’s mental health crisis, on the House floor to commemorate this momentous occasion.” Enthusiastically, she added, “There’s no policy topic we can’t tackle with Facebook at the helm!”
“Nancy Pelosi and I don’t agree on much, but we do agree that this change is for the better,” said Speaker of the House Kevin McCarthy. “For time eternal, no one has faced the Senate more effectively than Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg during his 2018 testimony. ‘Senator, we run ads,’ has got to be one of the most iconic things said on the Senate floor. So who better to take the reins in the House? This is a historic step towards better cooperation between private businesses and the American government and lets those who know what they’re doing do it best,” added McCarthy.
Preliminary procedure for the new chamber proposes a number of departures from Thomas Jefferson’s Manual of Parliamentary Practice, upon which current House and Senate procedure are based. As a part of the contract with Facebook, members now can only engage with constituents over Facebook as opposed to any other social media platform. In a related effort to make congressional proceedings more accessible and truly be the legislative body of the people, members are no longer allowed to be addressed as the “gentlemen” or “gentlelady” from their state; rather, only first names or “dude” are now permissible. Petitions for other familiar names (such as “home dog,” “homie,” and “my guy”) are currently being processed and will be subject to citizen referendum.
The final major change with respect to communication has to do with floor proceedings. When members are making speeches or pursuing a line of “questioning” during a hearing, they will no longer be allowed to exercise their format of choice — whether a whiteboard, charts, or roasting. All members will now be required to use a pre-formatted set of slides that will be contracted out to McKinsey & Company, a modest consulting firm. As far as casting votes, the traditionally discreet button system will be replaced with a series of large buzzer-like buttons with the options of “yes,” “no,” “maybe,” and “sorry,” often used for training dogs, to promote open communication and transparency. Votes can be cast with up to two buttons at once, and the buttons have a new, high-tech audio component to announce each vote in real time.
While experts say that this latest effort at congressional reform will serve to redress issues of partisan gerrymandering, architects of de facto gerrymandering policy in the United States seem less enthusiastic. “Our ruling in Rucho v. Common Cause, while asserting that the issue of partisan gerrymandering was non-justiciable, presumed that Congress would be able to come together to find a solution to this problem,” offered Chief Supreme Court Justice John Roberts in a statement leaked from the Court this afternoon. “While I am happy to see them coming together, I am hopeful that this is only a temporary change on the road to a more systematic attempt to overhaul redistricting policies.” Justice Elena Kagan was more terse, stating in an email to an old colleague, “I suppose you could say the House’s absolution of responsibility is following in the footsteps of the Supreme Court. Alternatively, I told you so.”
Although it is uncertain whether the word “House” will be included in the name of the new body, the new physical chamber for the neo-House marks a commitment to nomenclature and literalism. “To really reconnect with the heartland of the United States, this new chamber of the legislature will convene in ten homes across the country,” revealed Mayra Flores, the freshman representative from texas. “It is really important to us that we have a dinner table under a good roof as the meeting place for the future of this great country’s leadership rather than the undrained swamp that is the Capitol building.” It remains unclear whether or not these homes will be built or seized via eminent domain. Additionally, there is currently no indication as to when former congresspeoples’ terms will expire and when this system will be formally established.
However, one change will be made effective immediately. Given the easy installation of the House of Animals (with animals on loan from the National Zoo), the opening of the petting zoo on the House floor has been scheduled by the Congressional clerk’s office for tomorrow and will mark the beginning of the final session of the House of Representatives.
The offices of Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell did not respond to our request for comment.
