NSA Agent and Gamer Wins Big

What began as simple data collection from various gaming communities turned into a competitive passion for NSA Agent Nelson Johnson, whose sudden rise in the world of professional gaming has stunned and inspired fans and fellow competitors alike.
Armed with nothing but his laptop, a nice mouse, and the full, unchecked power of government surveillance, Johnson has been competing in professional StarCraft competitions, often winning large cash prizes. “At first, I was just excited to get paid to play video games at work,” said Johnson, “but I started to enjoy the thrill of violating my opponents’ privacy so much, I decided to compete professionally.”
Johnson is known in the gaming world for his unique style of play. Splitting his computer monitor screen in half, he plays the popular RTS strategy game on one side and sifts through the personal phone calls, emails, and Internet activity of his opponent on the other.
Other gamers who have played against Johnson—or, as he’s known online, PR0tection—say that he’s a formidable opponent with fast reflexes and cruel tactics.
David Simmons, who recently played against Johnson in the preliminary round of the American StarCraft 2 Championships, recalled his loss: “I don’t know how he knew my mom was in the ICU, but once he brought it up … I just broke down.” Simmons forfeited the round, leaving the conference room of the Houston Galleria Marriott in tears.
Fans of the professional gaming scene give the newcomer mixed reviews. One such fan, George Franklin, conveyed his confusion: “It’s very exciting to watch him play, but something seems unfair about one player having seemingly unlimited access to the information of the other. I sort of wish he would just stop gaming and go back to collecting massive amounts of our personal data without a warrant.”
While there is criticism of the young gamer and government employee’s strategy, Johnson assures the gaming community that his “work has prevented hundreds of devastating enemy attacks on American soil—and on my main base in StarCraft 2.” Johnson added that “everything I do is technically sanctioned by the E-sports rules commission and the U.S. government.”
He has, however, proposed possible limits on his tactics during professional tournaments. Realizing that fellow members of the gaming community were uncomfortable with his style of play, he stated that he would enact new restrictions on his surveillance. “Naturally,” Johnson assured his competitors, “this oversight will be administered by myself.”
The gaming community overwhelmingly agreed that the proposed changes are totally legitimate.