Rob Robertson Won't Hold Office

ABOUT THIS PROJECT

Rob Robertson’s political career started with a Senate internship in D.C., during which he drafted the 1997 federal budget, unassisted, in one night, on three hundred and forty-eight cocktail napkins, while periodically (and nonviolently) breaking up bar fights using his left ear.

After college, from 1998 to 2002, he served in the Army, Navy, Air Force, Marines, and Clark County Sheriff’s Office Cupcake Shop—simultaneously—due to a clerical error. He was awarded an honorary Girl Scout Gold award, despite being neither a girl nor a scout, for his gluten-free cupcakes found to have both anti-carcinogenic and resurrective properties.
In 2012, he received 8,051,074 write-in votes—becoming the first per¬son to have won at least one vote for every local, state, and national position in every district since King George III—despite spending the election cycle in Alaska repairing melting glaciers with a portable snow-cone machine and recycled water.
Rob Robertson wants you to know that he sincerely stands with you. He stands for you. If you want, he’ll stand on you. Rob Robertson: A humble, honest, real-life down-to-earther.
FAQ

Where can I find your stance on the issues?
Rob’s stance on most issues is the “Tennis Ready Position,” a low-cen¬ter-of-gravity crouch. As for divisive issues like guns or abortion, Rob will get back to you when he has finished polling the most popular positions in key districts.
Is this some kind of joke?
Rob takes your contributions quite seriously, though some say his sense of humor “will make you tear up, and not because you are laughing” (WSJ) and “will leave you longing for Richard Nixon” (NYT).
Why are you running for office?
Rob sincerely wants to sincerely help you, the people, help him. Rob also has a few minor debts to repay and sincerely does not want to awaken next to a decapitated horse head anytime soon.
RISKS AND CHALLENGES

When it comes to someone like Rob, there’s always a risk that the vot¬ers might not realize that he is quite literally the only candidate worth his weight in rare, environmentally-damaging, incredibly expensive, illegal-in-32-states caviar. (Of course Rob doesn’t mean to imply that’s because Rob’s stomach is full of such food, of course. Ha ha!).
The only challenge the campaign faces is working around a slight legal issue that forbids felons from holding public office. Nevertheless, Rob is confident that he can convince a jury that he wouldn’t actually hold public office in his hands or anything, but just sort of cradle it instead.