In a press release that is quickly garnering media attention, the Cultural Studies Group at the Harvard Extension School revealed their underlying reasons for orchestrating a black mass this coming Monday: the group is seeking retribution for what it regards as Satan’s unjust rejection from Harvard College earlier this spring.
“We were 100% certain he would get in,” said Amy Lovegood, a student involved with the Culture Studies Group. “Satan received a perfect score on his SAT’s, his ACT’s, he managed to score a 5 on all 20 of his AP exams, and he was awarded the prestigious “College Challenge” scholarship from Fox News for his essay entitled, “Border Security and the Law: On the Need for Immediate Deportation of Illegal Immigrants,” she continued, “his rejection is clearly the product of bias on the part of the admissions committee.” Another student explained that Monday’s black mass would call forth the forces of the underworld in the hopes of obtaining justice for Satan.
Responding to allegations of foul play, William Fitzsimmons, the Dean of Admissions, noted that the admittance process was especially challenging this year. “Harvard received over 35, 000 applications from an incredibly talented pool of students,” noted Fitzsimmons. “While we are aware that persons from the underworld have been historically underrepresented at the College,” he continued, “we nonetheless have an overriding obligation to ensure that legacy students and those from extremely wealthy backgrounds continue to have a leg up in the admissions process.”
Reactions from the student body have been mixed. Luis Winderthall, a senior in Winthrop and Social Studies concentrator, expressed outrage at the news. “This is precisely the reason I chose not to contribute to Senior Gift,” he yelled, “Harvard needs to reassess its institutional priorities!” Becky Beaverton of Lowell, on the other hand, said she was pleased with the decision: “I really don’t think Harvard is ready for Satan just yet. He should apply in fifty years after the Office of Student Life has had enough time to implement a being-neutral housing policy.”
Reactions from the Faculty were similarly split. Gregory Mankiw, a noted economist and professor of the College’s popular Ec10 course, said that Harvard had squandered an incredible opportunity. “Satan’s impressive quantitative skills would have allowed him to make unique contributions to the Harvard economics department,” he noted, “his ingenious mind would have greatly aided our research into the development of cutting-edge financial tools that can better oppress poor people in today’s modern economy.” Harking a different tone, Professor Robin Bernstein from Harvard’s Committee on Degrees in Studies of Women, Gender, and Sexuality, noted that she has spent her entire life interacting with “little monsters” and thinks Satan would have greatly enriched diversity on campus.
Satan, for his part, seemed inconsolable. “All I ever wanted to do was be part of the Harvard community,” he cried, “I was looking forward to peeing on John Harvard’s statute, having sinful relations in Widener Library, and running around naked during primal scream; I was also looking forward to joining the editorial staff at the Crimson and aiding the Anscombe Society in advocating abstinence till marriage.” He says he will now content himself with raising an army of demons during the black mass so he can wreak havoc around campus. Although details of his exact plan are not forthcoming, he noted that ruining the University’s efforts at greening the grass before graduation would be on his list of mischief.
In an attempt at comforting Satan, the Dean of the Harvard Extension School issued a reminder that anyone could obtain admission to the Extension school.
Despite the offer, Satan says he does not want anything to do with Harvard once the black mass is over. “I have accepted admission to Yale and have come to realize that I never even wanted to go to Harvard in the first place.”
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