The CDC Versus the Zombie Apocalypse

In the midst of an economic meltdown, high unemployment, an increasingly interesting presidential candidacy race, relations with China, and the war on terror, it becomes easy to lose sight of a crisis that has the potential to not only bring our country to its knees but also has the ability to threaten the livelihood of every single person on the planet. Yes, I am referring to the impending zombie apocalypse, and there are a few simple things you can do to prepare for such an inevitability referenced in this release by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC).
The CDC rightly details some aspects of how to correctly assemble an emergency kit and also provides an acceptable emergency plan in case you needed to evacuate your home. However, the organization’s plan seems like a carbon copy of their other recommendations for how to prepare for hurricanes, tornados, and any type of natural disaster. The problem with this is that no current natural disaster plan could possibly adequately prepare one for survival in the post zombie apocalyptic world; the most obvious and, arguably, the most important missing item on the list is a weapon, preferably one that provides maximum destruction of zombies’ brains.

What an amateur zombie survival guide! Their picture of an emergency kit even includes a boom box; such a device would obviously attract every rotting sack of meat within 500 meters of you and would be a complete and utter waste of valuable space that could have otherwise been used for food, water, and ammo. The picture makes it seem as though the apocalypse is something that one could passively wait out, something that FEMA would eventually come save you from. The zombie Armageddon should not be treated like an extended camping vacation, and you should not pack your emergency kit as such.
The CDC’s zombie apocalypse preparation plans should only be followed by those who have no interest in surviving our impending doom. However, the recommendations definitely show us that at least the government is taking the possibility very seriously and is trying to prepare the populace. It is very comforting knowing that organizations such as the CDC have our best interest at heart and are trying to increase awareness of and participation in emergency plans in the light of a disaster. I hope nobody is misled into actually believing that this humorous attempt at a zombie survival plan will allow you to last 10 minutes after hearing the moans and shuffling sounds of dozens of zombies knocking on your door; instead, people should see it for what it is: a dressed up “standard” emergency plan for our average natural disasters as well as a laughable inability to come up with real recommendations for an entirely new disaster that we have never faced before. If any Tea Partiers are looking for more proof that government agencies can’t do anything right, they need look no further than the CDC.