Disclaimer: The following article is a work of satire. All events and conversations are purely fictional and intended for entertainment purposes only.
GENEVA — After weeks of deliberation and what the organization called its “most transparent selection process to date,” nascent self-described UN watchdog and public affairs consulting start-up Altruism International Group released its first annual report on the state of global altruism to much fanfare on Wednesday.
The document, succinctly titled “Selfless Realpolitik,” comes out to 873 pages, most of which solely highlight either color-coded world maps or pop-out quotes about the importance of human rights from the leaders of various global superpowers including Russia, Iran, and North Korea. AlG spokesperson Randall Holmes commented on the milestone positively, saying, “We at Altruism International Group are proud to have highlighted the many diverse voices of international cooperation and codified a symbol of hope for a more selfless future world order.”
Most significant of the report’s achievements, as flagged by pundits and IR experts, is a comprehensive ranking of the world’s nations as it relates to the altruism of their foreign policy strategies. To the surprise of very few in the American foreign service and international relations space, the United States tops the list, having received an altruism score of 1776 points out of 1500. “Naturally, we broke the scale,” said U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken. “No other country on Earth has had such an indelible impact on its fellow nations, and we plan to continue our ongoing efforts to intervene in the affairs of our neighbors, allies and foes for the greater good. Of course, the interests of America are identical to those of the international community.”
The U.S. Central Intelligence Agency also reacted graciously to the ranking, especially as it recently attempted to register as a charitable organization with the IRS. The Post recently reported, based on a collection of tapes cobbled together from private Agency meetings, that the registration was attempted to keep staffers from having to pay the Biden administration’s recent hiked payroll tax through a loophole that counted their work hours as donations to charity, but the Agency maintains that this is not the case. “AIG’s assessment of American grand strategy as a bastion for altruism worldwide is nothing but a testament to the benevolence of the CIA’s leadership as foreign policymaking body,” said David Cohen, Deputy Chief of Staff at the CIA in a press conference following the AIG report’s release.
China, Russia, France, the United Kingdom, Saudi Arabia, and Qatar follow close behind the United States, amassing 1499, 1498, 1497, 1496, 1495, and 1494 points respectively. Spain and Portugal tied for eighth on the list, with 1492 points. Some of AIG’s critics, including Freedom House and Amnesty International have pointed out that the rank breakdown is a perfect mirror of the countries in which the stock holdings of the organization’s founders are located, but AIG has countered these claims in its recent public statements.
“Our methodology is at the top of its class in specificity, accuracy, and practicality and champions a holistic altruism evaluation approach, including nations’ contributions to the global economic investment landscape,” said Holmes on Good Morning America early Thursday. “If anyone takes issue with our strategy, they can take it up with the dozens of scholars who were consulted in the process of building the report’s methodology.” AIG provides a list of contributing academics on their website, thanking former affiliates of prestigious institutions like Trump and Praeger University, Masterclass, and Skillshare.
Early Friday, Elisabeth Musk, AIG’s Vice President of Finance and third cousin (twice removed) of Twitter CEO Elon Musk, sat down for an interview with the HPR to discuss the significance of the report and the future of foreign policy around the world. “You know, we’re really hoping that this will set a standard for selfless geopolitics moving forward,” she said. “We want foreign policymakers around the country to know what the benchmark is, and we think our report makes the bare minimum clear: coups in the name of democracy, debt-trap diplomacy, unsolicited invasions to combat false Nazism, and the welcoming of millions of manual laborers.” She paused to chuckle before continuing, “Bonus points if those workers are denied compensation to promote cost-effective infrastructure development — we should all be taking pages out of Qatar’s book on that one.” When pressed about the potential negative implications of the policies she outlined, Musk declined to comment.
