Why I’m Leaving the Country (A Loving Spoof of Evan Bayh)

In Saturday’s New York Times, Sen. Evan Bayh (D-IN) penned a long article entitled “Why I’m Leaving the Senate,” citing “institutional inertia” and frustration with partisan politics. In that same spirit, let me offer my reasons for leaving the country.
People always joke about how lousy everything is here in America. But it’s no laughing matter. On the contrary, it is a very serious matter.
Our economy is stalled, our government is gridlocked, and there are freshmen in our House dining halls. It’s really a mess. That’s why I’m moving to Argentina.
Don’t get me wrong, a lot of good people live in the United States. I simply no longer wish to live among them. These smart, well-meaning people are just too craven and selfish to tolerate any longer.
While romanticizing the America of yore would be a mistake, things sure were a lot better back in the old days. In 1992, when I peed my pants in Miss Cindy’s preschool class, she came up and put her arm around me and asked if there was anything she could do to help. Today, would I get the same sort of sympathy in a Harvard lecture hall? I don’t think so.
When I was a boy, I used to have lunch with Americans all the time. This type of thing rarely happens today. Why not have a monthly lunch with all 300 million Americans? Obviously it will be difficult to gather us in one place, but maybe we can all just Skype each other. Or we could all go on ChatRoulette at the same time. Just keep it clean, please.
I’m sure that talking to other Americans once a month will help us see how much we have in common. But in the meantime, I’m outta here.
Or maybe we could just pretend it’s September 11 again. Remember how much we loved and cared about each other on that day? We were all patriotic Americans, coming together despite our many differences. I really wish we could recreate that wonderful day.
I have more recommendations for improving this country, which I am leaving from Logan Airport at 7:35 tomorrow morning, besides just having lunch together and trying to redo September 11. There are many substantive issues for you to work on once I’m gone.
For instance, there’s this business about special interests being able to buy off politicians and stall reform. That’s a serious problem. You should work on that.
Also, college students don’t have enough sex. I don’t know what the deal is with that. My friends and I try our best, so there must be something wrong with the rest of you. That’s why I’m transferring to la Universidad de Buenos Aires. Mark Sanford tells me that the women are really special down there.
Some of you might think it selfish of me to fly off to South America when there are so many problems that need fixing here in America. But what you don’t understand is that the best way to improve America is for me to leave as soon as possible.
Some people will say that I should use my powers and talents for good, and instruct all Americans through my example. That is very flattering, and of course it’s true that I am very powerful and talented. But that is why I must go. You guys won’t let me run things.
I love my country deeply. It’s not you, it’s me. Me and my inability to change you so that you’ll be more suitable to me. So, while I’m down in Argentina working on my tan, you should make those changes we talked about, and then maybe I’ll think about coming back.
In my remaining hours in this country, I will work on those reforms that will recreate the America I once knew, the America of my youth and of September 11. My optimism is undiminished. Together, without me, Americans can and will make this country strong again.
(This article first appeared in the Harvard Independent.)
Photo credit: Flickr stream of Kate Sherrill